Kink Praxis

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“There is agency, which is to say intent, deliberation. Then there is gaze.

Unlike intent, which involves an act of thinking and deciding, gaze is societally conditioned. Gaze is a set of learned behaviors and reactions that we assume towards each other, internalized from what society tells us.

Male gaze is when men are societally conditioned to see women only as objects of desire, and themselves as agents of this desire. Women, male gaze is the thing that often makes important men in your life evaluate you first or only by how good or young you look, i.e. as sexual objects, and not as individuals with autonomous will, wishes, hopes, and dreams. We push against male gaze. We have a long, long way yet to go. But we talk about it and recognize it. Yet women as well as men buy into the male gaze and defend it, because it is the societal default and it is easier not to push against it.

When the person who is the subject of the gaze encounters a person who is the object of the gaze, the subject’s eyes gloss over. Instead of a person seeing a person, the subject sees an object. It is very hard to push against it, but it is possible with effort. You need your agency, your will, your intent, to push against societally learned knee-jerk reactions that make us glaze over people who are not like us.

Most of us are subjects of some gazes, while being objects of other gazes.

Women, we push against the male gaze because it denies us personhood.

Disabled people, we push against the able-bodied gaze because it denies us personhood.

Queer people, we push against straight gaze because it denies us personhood.

Non-cisgendered people, we push against cisgendered gaze because it denies us personhood.

Immigrants and internationals, we push against US-centric gaze because it denies us personhood.

People of color push against the white gaze, because, by golly. By golly, it denies personhood.

Most times this is not intentional. We need intent here. We need to push against these gazes. We need to do more than this: we need to examine the ways in which these different, societally conditioned, othering gazes have caused harm, often unintentional harm, but harm – that is cumulative and ongoing. It is not enough to see people as individuals and not objects, though it is a crucial first step. It is also important that we consider how each of us has been harmed by the gazes of which we are objects. How we have been cumulatively harmed by them.

Then, summon your power of decision, your willpower, to make an effort to really see people even when you do not have to, because you are the subject and not the object of this particular type of gaze.”

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"So if we need white allies in this country, we don’t need those kind who compromise. We don’t need those kind who encourage us to be polite, responsible, you know. We don’t need those kind who give us that kind of advice. We don’t need those kind who tell us how to be patient. No, if we want some white allies, we need the kind that John Brown was, or we don’t need you."

"Toni Morrison’s Beloved contains the most widely known re­working of this photograph [of the mutilated back of a former slave named Gordon]. The “tree” raised on Sethe’s back by schoolteacher’s whip ref­erences this photograph directly and compli­cates it through excavating the subjectivity of a woman so marked. The taking of milk from Sethe’s breasts by schoolteacher’s nephews creates psychological damage greater than that inflicted by the lash, though it leaves no physical evidence on her body. Thus Morrison is able to turn away from the abolition move­ment’s almost pornographic demand for cor­poreal evidence and to focus instead on the interiority of those emerging from slavery."

"Racial stereotypes are a part of a belief system deeply embedded in American culture that is premised on the superiority of whites and the inferiority of Blacks. A pattern of oppositional categories associates whites with positive characteristics (industrious, intelligent, responsible), while associating Blacks with the opposite aberrational qualities (lazy, ignorant, shiftless). Negative images of African Americans are displayed in the media and reinforced by institutions in which Blacks hold a position of disadvantage. So, for example, the stereotype that Black people are predisposed to law breaking and violence is broadcast in the media’s preoccupation with stories involving Black criminals. The belief that most criminal activity is committed by Blacks is then reinforced by the mass incarceration of young Black men and women. Similarly, the stereotype that Black people are lazy and prefer being dependent on government handouts is perpetuated by the media’s portrayal of welfare recipients as almost exclusively Black and by barriers to equal participation in the economy. These negative stereotypes, in turn, legitimate punitive policies that imprison and impoverish more Blacks, entrenching further their inferior social status The images of Blacks as crime-prone and lazy affects more than those who are locked up in prison or welfare reliant. These images redound on the perceived character and opportunities of all Black people. They place Black individuals, regardless of their personal character, at greater risk of being stopped by the police and being turned down for a job.

The racial disparity in the child welfare system works the same way. A child welfare system that takes Black children from their parents at twice the rate of whites sends a negative message about Black families. It says that Black parents are unfit to raise their children and that Black children are better off in the state’s custody. It reinforces long-held stereotypes about Black mothers’ and fathers’ irresponsibility and corrupting influence on their children. It replicates the notion created in chattel slavery that there is no such thing as a Black family. In fact, placing so many Black children in the state’s custody implements the quintessential racial insult — that Black people are incapable of governing themselves and need white supervision."

"Parental conduct or home conditions that appear innocent when the parents are affluent are often considered to be neglectful when the parents are poor. A whole host of common circumstances can trigger an investigation of poor parents. As a former caseworker in New York City’s Administration for Children’s Services (ACS) described her clients, ‘If you are poor and if you have ever had problems with the law, if you have ever been involved in a domestic violence dispute, if you took your child to the emergency room after an accident, if you have ever used drugs, if your children have problems in school, if you have ever been homeless, ACS has been a part of your life.’ Several studies have found that poor children are more likely to be labeled ‘abused’ than children from more affluent homes with similar injuries. For example, an investigation of suspected cases of child abuse referred by Boston hospitals discovered that ‘the best predictor of removal of the child from the family was not severity of abuse, but Medicaid eligibility.’"

"The racial imbalance in New York City’s foster care population is truly mind-boggling: out of 42,000 children in the system at the end of 1997, only 1,300 were white. About 30 percent of the children who live in New York City are white. Yet white children make up only 3 percent of its foster care caseload. Less than 24 percent in foster care are Latino and the vast majority — 73 percent — are African American. Clearly, child welfare authorities consider foster care a last resort when it comes to white families.

Black children, on the other hand, are separated from their parents with relative ease. One out of every twenty-two Black children in New York City is in foster care. The system’s grasp is even tighter on poor Black neighborhoods, such as Central Harlem, where one out of ten children has been placed in foster care. This means that in every apartment building in Central Harlem, we could expect to find at least one family whose children are in state custody. This is a far cry from the more reasonable odds for white children — only one out of 385. Black children are ten times more likely to be placed in foster care in New York City than white children."

"Since the notion that we should all forsake attachment to race and/or cultural identity and be “just humans” within the framework of white supremacy has usually meant that subordinate groups must surrender their identities, beliefs, values, and assimilate by adopting the values and beliefs of privileged-class whites, rather than promoting racial harmony this thinking has created a fierce cultural protectionism."