“…It’s subversive to take care of ourselves because for centuries black women worldwide have been taking care of others, from the children of slave masters to those of business executives, and often serving today as primary caregivers for the elderly as home health workers and nursing home employees. Black women’s self-care is also subversive because to take care of ourselves means that we disrupt societal and political paradigms that say that Black women are disposable, unvalued. Indeed, people and things that aren’t cared for are considered expendable. So when we don’t take care of ourselves, we are affirming the social order that says black women are disposable.

But when we support our sisters and admonish that they too take care of themselves, we engage in radical feminist praxis. Yes, working out regularly is revolutionary. Eating healthfully and doing what feeds the spirit are nothing short of outright rebellion. When sisters unite in self-care, regularly indulging in what they love such as dancing, painting, laughing – soul and sanity food – we’re engaged in a soulful insurrection that disrupts the very forces that seek to sacrifice our beings. And, quite matter-of-factly, if we don’t take care of ourselves, who will?…”

~ Shanesha Brooks-Tatum, “Subversive Self-Care: Centering Black Women’s Wellness”
(Day 10: The Feminist Wire’s Forum on Black Women’s Health)



— (via afrolez)

"[TW: violence, trauma]
“As the (generational) effects of global capitalism, genocide, violence, oppression and trauma settle into our bodies, we must build new understandings of bodies…bodies that reflect our histories and our resiliency, not our oppressors or our self-shame and loathing.”"

— Mia Mingus (via nepantlera-en-la-frontera)

(Source: nala123, via etiquette-etc-deactivated201409)

"[TW: trauma, internalized abuse]
When you’re in an abusive situation, it can begin to feel very normal to you. It’s what you know, and thus isn’t a remarkable subject. You present it as normal to outsiders, because it is normal from your framework of understanding, and they may not fully understand the depth of the problem unless they know which alarm bells to listen to. Which turns of phrase betray that there’s a serious problem going on. Moving from understanding to action can be difficult, especially when what you are experiencing is, to you, normal."

s.e, smith in "Assault, Abuse, and ‘Normal’"

"Sometimes you need to burn bridges to stop yourself from crossing them again."

— L. Gabriel (via analyticalmuslim)

(Source: abluesforbrklyn, via fogwithwheels)

(Source: ethiopienne, via steppauseturnpausepivotstepstep)

[TW: sexual assault, rape culture]

As the title indicates, this is not a post for men who don’t care whether their sexual advances frighten women. This is not a post for men who think that a woman can ever do anything to deserve being raped. This is not a post for men who just have a serious problem with women in general because their big sister never shared the Nintendo controller or whatever. This is a post for the men who really do respect women and either are being confused with the assholes or are simply afraid they might be.

This is for men with good intentions. I am creating this in the hopes that it will be linkable to men in multiple situations whose good intentions may not always be coming across. Given that, if you have been linked this, it is not necessarily because someone thought every single one of these headers was about you. If you have been linked this, it is because someone absolutely does think you care about them and the other people around you and because they believe that you have the empathy and self-awareness to be both willing and able to consider how your actions affect others.

Basically, if you got linked this, someone thinks you’re a good person.

If they didn’t think that, they probably wouldn’t be talking to you at all, let alone going to the trouble of reading, collecting, and linking resources that will help you have as many positive relationships as possible. If they didn’t think you deserved to have the people around you be comfortable with you and be intimate with you, they would be spending their energy to mess with you instead.

(click for specifics.)

I think this is a potentially useful set of tips and links for reducing rape culture, thats why I’m linking to it.

And. It assumes an audience of cisgender men, discuses trans men and genderqueer folks, and does not mention trans women specifically when discussing women. I found that difficult when reading it.

And, it discusses fear of rape as an explicitly gendered thing, and continually talks about rapists in this simplified othering either/or way that I don’t find useful to perpetuate as an anti-violence activist. I also found that challenging.

So, heads up about those things.

How to Talk to Girls (a Guide for Men on OKCupid)


Step One: Use Words

Girls like words. Despite what you may have been told, their heads are full of words. Words just floating around, bumping into each other inside their heads, occasionally forming meaning. Grunts, hoots, and hollers are not words, per se, so you will need to generate some instead. Try using nouns, adjectives, verbs, and adverbs in various combinations until it sounds right.

Step Two: Use More Words

"You’re pretty" is definitely a sentence made up of words, but this alone does not really count as talking to girls. It’s a statement that doesn’t really invite conversation. And conversation is your goal. Think of conversation as being verbal foreplay. Try talking about her interests or current issues in the world such as the war on Gaza. This will stimulate (see what I did there?) conversation, and you’ll be off to a good start.

Step Three: Ask Questions

You’re doing so good now! You’ve started a conversation! Go you! Now it’s important to get her to let out some of those words floating around in her head. The best way to do that is to ask questions. Girls love questions. Your immediate thought, in this age of white boy texting, is to ask either “you horny?” or “want to come over and have the sex?” This is a bad thought. Banish that thought from the kingdom of your recently verbalized mind. Instead, ask questions about who she is, what she likes, what her life is like. You might want to ask, “What do you do for a living?” or “What’s your favourite book and why?”

Step Four: Listen

Ok, I know this sounds crazy, but stay with me here. Once you ask a girl a question, you should then listen to her response. I know usually when girls were talking you heard “wonk-wonk wonk wonk-wonk wonk-wonk” because your pre-verbalized brain was too busy trying to figure out the right thing to say next to get her to take her shirt off, but you’ve come a long way. I know you can do it. Listen carefully to the words that she says. To show her that you were listening, rephrase what she just said as a question (for example: her - “I really like the Smashing Pumpkins even though Billy Corgan is a transmisogynist douchebag, but I mean, their music was the 90s, right?” you - “Oh man, Billy Corgan is a transmisogynist?”) or by asking clarifying questions (for example: her - “I really wanted to like Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: a Space Odyssey, but after reading the book I was pretty disappointed.” you - “What didn’t you like about the movie?”).

Step Five: Don’t Be a Creep

Now that you know how to talk to girls like real people, make sure that you don’t slip back into your pre-verbalized way of thinking. “Show me your tits” or “Come over and let me fuck you” are sentences best saved for a later date in your relationship, when it’s been made explicitly clear that she’s into you.

About creepy guys





A lot of men (and probably other genders, but mostly men) like to creepily hit on people (usually women) in contexts in which it’s not ok to hit on people. (Eg: on the subway). 

Girls start experiencing this before they’re considered old enough for sex ed.

Creepy men regularly do this in a way that’s slightly deniable.

Like sitting way too close. Or asking an almost innocuous thing. And it feels really horrible to be on the receiving end, but it can be hard to put your finger on why. And if you object, the man who started it will try as hard as he can to say you’re being unreasonable. Often, bystanders or people you tell afterwards will empathically agree and tell you he was just being friendly and that didn’t have to be rude.

This is not your fault. It’s not your fault that creepy guys are awful to you, and it’s not your fault that people punish you for refusing to cooperate with their creepy actions.

There is usually no polite way to object. Because they manipulate the rules of politeness so that you have to be rude to say no.

It’s ok to be rude in that situation.

Being in that situation doesn’t mean you’re a rude inconsiderate person. It means you’re asserting an important boundary in the only available way.

Most of these guys know exactly what they are doing. It’s not innocent awkwardness. It’s a different thing. It’s doing something they know they can probably get away with denying that they’ve done.

(People do sometimes do this kind of thing by mistake, too. But it’s not ok then either. And most people who do this, know damn well what they’re doing.)

I used to have to ride the bus a lot. I lived 30 kilometres from the city, so going to and fro from school, work, and social activities involved public transit. These busses were often at night, often the last one offered (around midnight), and involved driving along the highway/the middle of nowhere for long stretches.

There was a certain type of asshole who understood that.

It would come in different forms. Sometimes looks, sometimes sitting next to you when the bus was full of free seats, and sometimes just straight-up sexual forwardness. They knew you were STUCK on that bus, that you had no option. You couldn’t just get off a bus in the middle of a fucking highway at night.

Yeah, they knew what they were doing.

It’s a power thing. And if someone is making you feel uncomfortable you don’t have to take it… although I understand that it can be incredibly difficult to speak up sometimes. It can literally be a frightening thing. Is this going to provoke them? And of course, if it does, there will be people who blame you. ANGER.

I won’t even get started on my last job and the fact that people (especially middle aged men) just sort of.. randomly touched me a lot? Because I was wearing a name tag and apparently stripped of my humanity because of it? :I

Dunno, but I feel that there’s a big difference between a person who innocently/politely tells me that I look nice as we cross paths and a person who tries to exploit a power dynamic. I think there is a way to compliment (and even flirt!) with someone without making them feel, you know, unsafe.

Bottom line: tell assholes to fuck off.

voodoo-otter said:

I’ve heard that the best solution is to say, point blank, “stop being creepy” or “you are a creep” or some other variation. Straight out call them creepy, out loud, to their face, preferably around other people is the point. Being called creepy is the “lose” condition in this little game of theirs. By making it rude to outright say no, they convert your reticence from a sheer wall that says “do not pass” to a rocky, climbable cliff that says “you’re just not trying hard enough,” and if they still fail after all their persistence it’s because you’re a frigid bitch who doesn’t know how to take a compliment. But if you announce to the world how utterly creepy they are, they have to back off, because now everyone’s watching them and scrutinizing them for evidence that this might be true. I’m not sure what the psychology is that no one really cares that he’s being creepy until someone says it out loud, I just know it has a fairly solid success rate.

realsocialskills said:

That never occurred to me. Have any of y’all used that strategy successfully? 

(Source: realsocialskills, via realsocialskills)


Exciting news! I am back in San Francisco just long enough to read NEW! WORK! at Perverts Put Out on Folsom Eve! (and to enjoy Pervert Xmas the next day, natch).

Please come out & see me on Saturday, kittens. PPO is always an amazing time. I couldn’t think of a better place to spend my Pervert Xmas Eve.

I am so excited about this!

(via howtohaveabody)


A word on “creepy”: I know it gets thrown around a lot without necessarily being explained, so I’ll take a crack at it.

Read More